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Nothing Matters Nothing Stops

by stags.

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1.
2.
If death is a wound, then I can't stop picking the scab No matter how deep I go I can't seem to bring her back If grief is a cloud, then I keep getting caught in the rain Yeah I know, that's just the way it goes when they go away I miss those days when laughing felt better than saying "Oh my sister was.." Can I go back to calling you at midnight to tell you about the boys I dumped Yeah I know; everybody loses somebody sometimes but I miss those days when laughing felt better than saying "Oh my sister was.." Somethings just don't turn out right What a big surprise I kept on asking, you said we had plenty of time. If God is a landmine, and there really is an afterlife Then I'll see you on the other side But some things just don't turn out right My sister was an astronaut She made you feel like the stars and the moon and the sun My sister was an atom bomb When she detonated the world felt less beautiful
3.
Hey are you busy, can you spend a moment with me Can you walk away to another room Is there anybody with you Can you sit for a while, I got something bad to tell you It's your sister she got sick, and it's worse than we expected We gotta hold her hand Hey hate to bug you, bet you got your family with you Have you told the kids, has the doctor said if they have a plan to treat you I am scared, I can't lose you "Don't be scared, I have so much left to do." But you gotta hold my hand when I'm scared
4.
I'm not feeling normal today again It's getting late, I can't keep on getting lost in my mind It all just breaks We all die alone tell me what's the purpose Each scar another mark on some fading canvas And I didn't wake up like this We all draw straws we all get shorted We all get lost, and hurt, and hunted And I didn't wake up like this He was knocking S.O.S. on his wall to no one Carving words against his breath in the window I loved you better //// Did you know that your time was running out That you wouldn't be around Did you know, and maybe you couldn't tell Anyone that you wouldn't be here Did you know?
5.
When you're used to pain you don't question a stomach ache When you're used to pain you don't question when you're fading When you're stressed out, trapped in your house Just go to sleep for a while Would you still be alive Would you still be around to see what you left behind When you're used to pain you don't feel your insides unionizing You've been tired for 40 years I guess now's the perfect timing And when it explodes, a quick trip to the hospital We'll wait until the tests are clear, and your oncologist gets here Would you still be alive Would you still be around to see what you left behind (Mother, brothers, children, husband, nieces, nephews, in-laws, best friends)
6.
My mouth won't close right My teeth feel weird I keep on waking up To this god damn ring in my ear So I'll spend the day in bed, cause sleeping in feels better than crying again Maybe I can go get my mind right My shrink tells me not this year Maybe I can put my grief aside for a while and be better Maybe I can go back in time right And carry you to your final resting place
7.
Don't give a shit about flowers Or the box they say they'll put you in And I don't care about the words in your obit Don't give a shit about your in-laws or their in-laws Or the awful things they say I'm getting really fucking tired of her banal pleasantries She's fucking fake. I know exactly what she said about my sister And what you said to all your kids Stop fucking liking all my pictures And my online statuses You used to say you couldn't stand my father You know where his hands have been But it sounds like you're real close now Way to go man... It makes me fucking sick
8.
Thumper 03:49
I'll make you the enemy this time You paint all your pictures clean Then blur out all the lines You opened a can of worms And served it with a smile Were you even conflicted I'll make you the enemy this time I got nothing nice to say I guess I should stay quiet You let him stand there while you laid her in the dirt You know what he did I hope it makes your soul hurt I'll destroy you
9.
10.
32, first one without you I smile different now, and I walk around with a hole in my chest I hope no one notices It's been a year since I gave up on my heart It's been 4 months since your blood drained out of your chest We offer our condolences Nothing matters nothing stops People die and you still gotta go to work Put on a smile, don't be sad anymore And if you try to just stop and let the world pass you by for a while You will find all the hurt Laying just where you left it Got a dog in December, got a dog in July None of them lasted Just didn't feel right Saw my ex where I fell in love You were eating from a tube Your body kept giving up Then came June Nothing matters nothing stops People die and you still gotta go to work Put on a smile, don't be sad anymore And if you try to just stop and let the world pass you by for a while You will find all the hurt Laying just where you left it 32, first one without you I'm getting older now And you're down in the ground ...you're down in the ground
11.
You're so dead when mom and dad wake up Sit right there, you can have a turn once we save the princess Spread the blanket, you can't have a picnic on the couch Go on taste it, it's not gonna kill you Come with me, to my friends house to fix her truck Come with me, if you clean my car, I'll buy you a snowcone Come with me, we'll get fries and a shake to split between us Come with me, to the place I found Jesus I don't think that I'll get married, I'll be fine going it alone Turn on the TV, we can try to figure it out together I think I might like him a little.... Okay maybe a lot You'll be fine in this house, but it's time for me to move on One was dangerous Two didn't know what to do Three's a habit Four didn't know how to find you Five got some letters Six didn't know what to day Seven years is too damn long, I got kids that you should meet Can we spend an hour Scream at each other I don't know how To make it better I'll show you mine If you show me yours I'm so tired of all These fucked up scars My skin is thick It's starting to break Am I cursed to have No family I'm right outside Get in my car And we'll scream until Our voice is raw Then cry out in New languages Can we rebuild this Relationship Can we rebuild this Relationship Can we rebuild this Relationship Do you think you might like boys? I wouldn't mind I'm not busy, you're welcome over any time I've been through it all too, if you need me I will hold you We can make each other laugh, it's the best thing we know how to do The devil whispered in her ear The storm is coming for you dear She turned to him and softly said Hey Devil, I'm the storm. I've been through pain, I'm not afraid And if it comes I pass away My soul is not for you to take Hey devil, I'm the storm.
12.
13.
You gave me a water bottle the last time I saw you alive We talked about marijuana four days before you died I got a call, 5 in the morning his voice was all broken and sore I got a call, 2 in the morning the time you left this world Please let your mother know, and make sure her hand is held Please let your brother know, I'm sorry for calling your cell I don't want to know you in the past tense
14.
I was standing outside myself Looking in Wondering how I got here And if it matters if everyone dies in the end I was beside myself Wondering when you'd ever haunt me again I had to remind myself I wasn't looking for a shadow Or some shell left laying on a table I was looking for some evidence You're spirit could remain In a heartbeat, the intangible things, all the memories, not a life left fading Maybe you could come back home It's okay to be a ghost I was looking for some good news A lucky silver lining A new way to look at the painting Where my sister wasn't dying I was selfish, and afraid I knew you were in pain But I guess I got your heartbeat, the intangible things, all the memories, you will not be fading You'll live on through your sons kindness You'll live on through your daughters stubborn nature You'll live on through your youngest, she's silly just like you You'll live on through your family We got your blood, we got your heartbeat You'll live on through your husband, through your friends, you won't be forgotten But maybe you could come back home
15.
There are birds somewhere in the woods that know nothing about all this They don't know cancer, or loss, or broken promises They don't know birthdays past, or shadows left, or evergrowing stasis They just perch up in the trees, and talk to other living things Guess you'll be 45 forever. Today you should be 46 Your personality in stasis Your body locked up in the pitch Guess you'll be 45 forever Today you should be 46 Guess you'll be 45 forever Anyway, happy birthday love you sis

about

This is an album written in the months and year following my sisters passing from stage four endometrial cancer.

My sister was my person, my confidant, the place I could always go and person I could always go to with anything, and losing her has been the most difficult heartbreak I have thus far experienced. But I know I'm not alone. I know everybody loses somebody, and I know for those moments to days to months to years it's this raw pain, and this deep hole. I wrote this album to help me process everything around her passing. I wrote it to have a shelf to put my grief on and into. And I wrote it for any other person out there who needs a place for theirs too.

Angie I love you, and I made this thing for you wherever you are.

credits

released December 18, 2020

All music and lyrics written by Jay Knapp except where otherwise noted.

Vocals - Jay Knapp
Rhythm and lead guitars - Jay Knapp
Lead Guitar on Tracks 8 and 11 - Chris Page
Bass - Jay Knapp
Bass on Track 3 - Ryan Ulch
Piano on Tracks 8 and 11 - David Page
Drums and percussion - Eric Muñoz
Additional percussion on track 6 - Jay Knapp and Kevin Jewkes
Snaps and Claps throughout - Eric Muñoz and Kevin Jewkes
*For the record, I did not snap at any point on this album*
Additional Midi, and sound - Eric Muñoz
Additional background noise recordings - Jay Knapp

Recorded and Produced by Kevin Jewkes in Draper, UT
Production Assistance- Eric Muñoz and Jay Knapp
Mixing and Mastering - Eric Muñoz

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stags. Salt Lake City, Utah

I write songs about boys who kiss other boys.

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